So I had this idea today. Now I might have been bingewatching Cracked.Com's "After Hours" and "Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder" videos on YouTube all day, BUT! this popped into my head and began to unspool. It's too long for Twitter (obvs) and the blog is better than Facebook about pictures (and I'm about 10 years too old to be on Tumblr), so YOU GET A BLOG!
What if Greedo was not some weird green alien speaking a foreign language? What if, in stead, Greedo was a sassy black woman?
Bear with me....
(And excuse the fact that I want our hypothetical sassy black woman to be portrayed a la blacksploitation parody Foxy Cleopatra, aka BEYONCE!, from Austin Powers.)
First off? The swap makes the dialogue a lot more fun than Han Solo waxing snark with some deformed love child of a dog toy and a Snork. Imagine if you will, our sassy black woman bounty hunter coming up in the Mos Eisley cantina with her blaster out, backing Solo up to a table in the rear of the building.
A: Sexual tension. Hot!
B: Bad. Ass.
Solo: I was just on my way to see your boss.
Sassy Greedo: Baby, Jabba's put a price on your head so big every bounty hunter in the galaxy looking for your sweet ass. *purrs while looking him up and down* It's a good thing I found you first.
Solo: This time I've got the money.
Sassy: Maybe you should give it to me and I'll forget I saw you.
Solo: I don't have it with me, tell Jabba...
Sassy: Baby, Jabba's through with your shit. Dropping shipments at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser? Solo: Even I get boarded sometimes.
Sassy: I bet you do, baby. And if you're lucky, Jabba's only going to take your ship.
Solo: Over my dead body.
Sassy: *licks lips* I don't know about dead, but that's the general idea. I've been waiting for this a long damn time.
Solo: Yes, I bet you have.
And his blaster jams because Sassy has used the stiletto heel of her boot to block the trigger (whilst also suggestively flirting under the table with Han).
Sassy: You think I didn't see that one coming? Get on your feet and bring your fine ass with me. I'm taking you to Jabba.
And then? The entire course of the series changes! Han gets taken to Jabba fed to the Rancor. Sassy Greedo gets Han's ship (through clever negotiation with the Hutt).
When she goes to docking bay 94, Sassy finds Chewbacca tuning up the Falcon. You might want to think that Chewy would never betray Han, and I think you'd be right. So when Sassy flashes her pink slip, Chewbacca has a choice to make. He can either go find Han (in which case, Chewy's efforts end in a lot of screaming, and the rancor pulling fur out of its teeth, probably, because this wookie is not putting on the metal bikini) OR he can say, "If the Hutt has Han, he's bantha fodder. I can tool around the galaxy with this chick. I am, after all, a mercenary."
So let's say that Chewy and Sassy are hashing out this new arrangement when Luke and Obi-Wan arrive with the droids.
Sassy: Bitch, please, I don't see you flying anything so fine as my baby.
Chewy and Ben have a brief talk about the change of ownership. Chewy mentions to Sassy that the old guy's loaded as long as they head out to Alderaan. This is an act of good will on the wookie's part since this is his new partner and all. He tells Sassy that they get 2k up front and 10k when they reach the peaceful blue planet. (She doesn't need to know it was 15. Why? MERCENARY!) By this point, the Storm Troopers have arrived and Sassy uses some bad ass moves to beat them to smoking piles of PVC rubble. Luke and Obi Wan are convinced she's awesome.
They make the jump to hyperspace and the new score (with more guitar distortion and Hammond organ) swells like this is a Tarantino flick.
So while they're flying to Alderaan, Sassy is on the Imperial equivalent of a police scanner listening in for sweet new ways to score cash when she hears about these droids that blasted out of Mos Eisley. So, she pops back to the passenger area to check on her new
bounty friends to find Obi Wan watching the kid play with a laser sword and a floating remote.
Sassy: You can all relax. The Empire didn't even notice we left. So, tell me about your droids. You know my daddy used to work on droids back when we lived with a bunch of jawas and I had one just like this here protocol droid.
She pumps him for information with Black Widow-like precision. Luke totally buys her bullshit sob story about her dad (who was actually a gangster with the Hutts), but Ben notices that she's using the Jedi mind trick on the kid.
He realizes that Luke might be Anakin's progeny, but Sassy is probably better suited to his needs. So Ben puts the helmet on her head--with the blast shield down--and she shoots the remote like a boss.
Sassy: Hokey religions and ancient weapons are nothing like a good blaster at your side, baby.
Once they get snagged by the Death Star's tractor beam, Sassy tells them to hide in the cargo hold while she sweet talks the Empire types (promising them the droids for a hefty sum, because clearly if Alderaan is gone, so is Old Ben's money.) So Ben sends Luke on an errand to turn off the tractor beam. Meanwhile, he and Sassy go liberate the princess. (Sassy figures if the princess has money, she'll find a way to get paid AND turn in the fugitive once the Empire puts word out. Double dip, sweets.)
Together Leia and Sassy lay waste to detention block AA23 and together they all get back to the Falcon where Chewy has the ship ready to fly pronto.
Luke gets caught and taken to Vader where the most formidable badass is looking around confused because...
That something is the genetic legacy of your former self and your lady. Probably Obi-Wan, too, but really your kid is there. BOTH OF THEM, I MIGHT ADD! So when Luke is brought before him and gives the name Skywalker (and starts singing like a damn canary about his background), Vader knows that there weren't two moisture farmers named Lars on Tattooine, okay? So Vader realizes right then and there that Luke is his son hidden from him by either Obi-Wan or Emperor Palpatine.
By this point, Luke hasn't had a lot of time with Obi-Wan, so he's not all, up in Ben's business. Luke hasn't watched Vader kill him, thus solidifying his hatred that would lead to Empire Strikes Back whiny face. SO! Vader has a great opportunity to strike up a relationship with his son, a reveal that isn't precipitated by the father cutting off the son's hand. Vader has the chance to say, "That Obi Wan guy? He lied to you. Not only did he take you away from your real parents and hide you on the desert planet you've grown to hate so much you want to be Storm Trooper fodder in an intergalactic civil war, but he lied to you about your father. That's me, by the way."
Luke is so malleable at this point in the series that all it will take is a galvanizing event to solidify his position. Vader can just say, "don't believe me? Look in the hangar."
Luke looks and sees the Falcon blasting away without him, Threepio waving at the maker he doesn't remember. (Sassy, Chewy, Leia and Ben took R2 with them because he has the plans and thus, will lead the Empire to the hidden rebel base.)
This is the deciding moment for Skywalker. Not seeing Ben die at Vader's hands in the single most lackluster light saber duel ever, but seeing him fly away and abandon him. It just confirms what Vader has said.
So Vader takes Luke as a secret apprentice. (Vader even says in Empire that he and Luke can over throw the Emperor, so he's been thinking about it anyway at this point.) One of their first bonding experiences is going after the rebel base on the far moon of Yavin. Luke gets in a Tie Fighter and starts blasting Wedge and Biggs out of the sky like a pair of wamprats. Vader has a proud papa moment because his son has inherited some of his piloting abilities.
The rebels don't destroy the Death Star. Instead, the Empire destroys the rebel base, but not before Sassy busts out, Princess Leia smuggled in the compartment of the ship. The Empire pays Sassy for delivering the droids and they think Leia is dead. Ben goes with Sassy to train her as a Jedi. (And Leia because he knows who she really is.)
The next 2 movies are badass women going across the galaxy. Leia is maintaining the rebellion like a Force-powered Mockingjay, taunting the Empire (since they thought she died). Sassy is working with her and keeping her close. (If the money's right, she may turn her in. It's very Jayne Cobb/Tam Siblings.) Ben doesn't die, so we probably don't hit up Degohbah.
Meanwhile, Luke becomes a Dark Lord of the Sith. He and Vader overthrow the Emperor in an elaborate coup involving a gas mining colony on Bespin. Leia has discovered that the Emperor would be there and vulnerable, so she and Sassy and Ben make for the cloud city. (Which is good because Sassy knows a guy there who owes her money.) We get a massive Skywalker v Skywalker battle with Obi Wan and Vader looking on like Burgess Meredith in Rocky.
Seriously, the entire Star Wars franchise as we know it is altered and Hayden Christiansen doesn't end up in the bullshit cut of Jedi. Han may have shot first in the real trilogy, but if Greedo was a sassy black woman, he wouldn't have shot at all.
EDIT: So, my husband said this idea was (and I quote) "Worse than Phantom Menace". Other than the fact that this is grounds for divorce, I would just like to add this....
FINE. We don't kill Han, because a) Jabba isn't THAT pissed off yet and b) Han would escape. Unfortunately, Jabba would probably try to torture Han, maybe take a hand off as a warning to others who piss him off. Well, Han wouldn't dig the torture or disfigurement, and he'd fight to get away. In so doing, he's horribly scarred. He puts on armor and takes on a new persona, his only goal revenge. He's hunting Sassy (and his ship). He is Boba Fett. So Sassy and Leia get the rich arcs listed above for the next two films and Han gets a revenge arc. (V for Ven-FETT-a, am I right?) WIN!
The husband also warns against Sassy and Leia gaining a third female companion as then they become Chewy's Angels.