Sillies

Greedo Swap

So I had this idea today. Now I might have been bingewatching Cracked.Com's "After Hours" and "Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder" videos on YouTube all day, BUT! this popped into my head and began to unspool. It's too long for Twitter (obvs) and the blog is better than Facebook about pictures (and I'm about 10 years too old to be on Tumblr), so YOU GET A BLOG! What if Greedo was not some weird green alien speaking a foreign language? What if, in stead, Greedo was a sassy black woman?

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Bear with me....

(And excuse the fact that I want our hypothetical sassy black woman to be portrayed a la blacksploitation parody Foxy Cleopatra, aka BEYONCE!, from Austin Powers.)

First off? The swap makes the dialogue a lot more fun than Han Solo waxing snark with some deformed love child of a dog toy and a Snork. Imagine if you will, our sassy black woman bounty hunter coming up in the Mos Eisley cantina with her blaster out, backing Solo up to a table in the rear of the building.

A: Sexual tension. Hot! B: Bad. Ass.

Solo: I was just on my way to see your boss. Sassy Greedo: Baby, Jabba's put a price on your head so big every bounty hunter in the galaxy looking for your sweet ass. *purrs while looking him up and down* It's a good thing I found you first. Solo: This time I've got the money. Sassy: Maybe you should give it to me and I'll forget I saw you. Solo: I don't have it with me, tell Jabba... Sassy: Baby, Jabba's through with your shit. Dropping shipments at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser? NotimeSolo: Even I get boarded sometimes. Sassy: I bet you do, baby. And if you're lucky, Jabba's only going to take your ship. Solo: Over my dead body. Sassy: *licks lips* I don't know about dead, but that's the general idea. I've been waiting for this a long damn time. Solo: Yes, I bet you have.

And his blaster jams because Sassy has used the stiletto heel of her boot to block the trigger (whilst also suggestively flirting under the table with Han).

Sassy: You think I didn't see that one coming? Get on your feet and bring your fine ass with me. I'm taking you to Jabba.

And then? The entire course of the series changes! Han gets taken to Jabba fed to the Rancor. Sassy Greedo gets Han's ship (through clever negotiation with the Hutt).

When she goes to docking bay 94, Sassy finds Chewbacca tuning up the Falcon. You might want to think that Chewy would never betray Han, and I think you'd be right. So when Sassy flashes her pink slip, Chewbacca has a choice to make. He can either go find Han (in which case, Chewy's efforts end in a lot of screaming, and the rancor pulling fur out of its teeth, probably, because this wookie is not putting on the metal bikini) OR he can say, "If the Hutt has Han, he's bantha fodder. I can tool around the galaxy with this chick. I am, after all, a mercenary."

So let's say that Chewy and Sassy are hashing out this new arrangement when Luke and Obi-Wan arrive with the droids.

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Sassy: Bitch, please, I don't see you flying anything so fine as my baby.

Chewy and Ben have a brief talk about the change of ownership. Chewy mentions to Sassy that the old guy's loaded as long as they head out to Alderaan. This is an act of good will on the wookie's part since this is his new partner and all. He tells Sassy that they get 2k up front and 10k when they reach the peaceful blue planet. (She doesn't need to know it was 15. Why? MERCENARY!) By this point, the Storm Troopers have arrived and Sassy uses some bad ass moves to beat them to smoking piles of PVC rubble. Luke and Obi Wan are convinced she's awesome.

They make the jump to hyperspace and the new score (with more guitar distortion and Hammond organ) swells like this is a Tarantino flick.

So while they're flying to Alderaan, Sassy is on the Imperial equivalent of a police scanner listening in for sweet new ways to score cash when she hears about these droids that blasted out of Mos Eisley. So, she pops back to the passenger area to check on her new bounty friends to find Obi Wan watching the kid play with a laser sword and a floating remote.

Sassy: You can all relax. The Empire didn't even notice we left. So, tell me about your droids. You know my daddy used to work on droids back when we lived with a bunch of jawas and I had one just like this here protocol droid.

tumblr_naj52kbLbi1s24jb7o4_250She pumps him for information with Black Widow-like precision. Luke totally buys her bullshit sob story about her dad (who was actually a gangster with the Hutts), but Ben notices that she's using the Jedi mind trick on the kid.

He realizes that Luke might be Anakin's progeny, but Sassy is probably better suited to his needs. So Ben puts the helmet on her head--with the blast shield down--and she shoots the remote like a boss.

Sassy: Hokey religions and ancient weapons are nothing like a good blaster at your side, baby.

Once they get snagged by the Death Star's tractor beam, Sassy tells them to hide in the cargo hold while she sweet talks the Empire types (promising them the droids for a hefty sum, because clearly if Alderaan is gone, so is Old Ben's money.) So Ben sends Luke on an errand to turn off the tractor beam. Meanwhile, he and Sassy go liberate the princess. (Sassy figures if the princess has money, she'll find a way to get paid AND turn in the fugitive once the Empire puts word out. Double dip, sweets.)

Together Leia and Sassy lay waste to detention block AA23 and together they all get back to the Falcon where Chewy has the ship ready to fly pronto.

Luke gets caught and taken to Vader where the most formidable badass is looking around confused because...

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That something is the genetic legacy of your former self and your lady. Probably Obi-Wan, too, but really your kid is there. BOTH OF THEM, I MIGHT ADD! So when Luke is brought before him and gives the name Skywalker (and starts singing like a damn canary about his background), Vader knows that there weren't two moisture farmers named Lars on Tattooine, okay? So Vader realizes right then and there that Luke is his son hidden from him by either Obi-Wan or Emperor Palpatine.

tumblr_mq6vmjHZ1v1qz5q5lo1_500By this point, Luke hasn't had a lot of time with Obi-Wan, so he's not all, up in Ben's business. Luke hasn't watched Vader kill him, thus solidifying his hatred that would lead to Empire Strikes Back whiny face. SO! Vader has a great opportunity to strike up a relationship with his son, a reveal that isn't precipitated by the father cutting off the son's hand. Vader has the chance to say, "That Obi Wan guy? He lied to you. Not only did he take you away from your real parents and hide you on the desert planet you've grown to hate so much you want to be Storm Trooper fodder in an intergalactic civil war, but he lied to you about your father. That's me, by the way."

Luke is so malleable at this point in the series that all it will take is a galvanizing event to solidify his position. Vader can just say, "don't believe me? Look in the hangar."

Luke looks and sees the Falcon blasting away without him, Threepio waving at the maker he doesn't remember. (Sassy, Chewy, Leia and Ben took R2 with them because he has the plans and thus, will lead the Empire to the hidden rebel base.)

This is the deciding moment for Skywalker. Not seeing Ben die at Vader's hands in the single most lackluster light saber duel ever, but seeing him fly away and abandon him. It just confirms what Vader has said.

So Vader takes Luke as a secret apprentice. (Vader even says in Empire that he and Luke can over throw the Emperor, so he's been thinking about it anyway at this point.) One of their first bonding experiences is going after the rebel base on the far moon of Yavin. Luke gets in a Tie Fighter and starts blasting Wedge and Biggs out of the sky like a pair of wamprats. Vader has a proud papa moment because his son has inherited some of his piloting abilities.

The rebels don't destroy the Death Star. Instead, the Empire destroys the rebel base, but not before Sassy busts out, Princess Leia smuggled in the compartment of the ship. The Empire pays Sassy for delivering the droids and they think Leia is dead. Ben goes with Sassy to train her as a Jedi. (And Leia because he knows who she really is.)

The next 2 movies are badass women going across the galaxy. Leia is maintaining the rebellion like a Force-powered Mockingjay, taunting the Empire (since they thought she died). Sassy is working with her and keeping her close. (If the money's right, she may turn her in. It's very Jayne Cobb/Tam Siblings.) Ben doesn't die, so we probably don't hit up Degohbah.

Meanwhile, Luke becomes a Dark Lord of the Sith. He and Vader overthrow the Emperor in an elaborate coup involving a gas mining colony on Bespin. Leia has discovered that the Emperor would be there and vulnerable, so she and Sassy and Ben make for the cloud city. (Which is good because Sassy knows a guy there who owes her money.) We get a massive Skywalker v Skywalker battle with Obi Wan and Vader looking on like Burgess Meredith in Rocky.

Seriously, the entire Star Wars franchise as we know it is altered and Hayden Christiansen doesn't end up in the bullshit cut of Jedi. Han may have shot first in the real trilogy, but if Greedo was a sassy black woman, he wouldn't have shot at all.

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EDIT: So, my husband said this idea was (and I quote) "Worse than Phantom Menace". Other than the fact that this is grounds for divorce, I would just like to add this....

FINE. We don't kill Han, because a) Jabba isn't THAT pissed off yet and b) Han would escape. Unfortunately, Jabba would probably try to torture Han, maybe take a hand off as a warning to others who piss him off. Well, Han wouldn't dig the torture or disfigurement, and he'd fight to get away. In so doing, he's horribly scarred. He puts on armor and takes on a new persona, his only goal revenge. He's hunting Sassy (and his ship). He is Boba Fett. So Sassy and Leia get the rich arcs listed above for the next two films and Han gets a revenge arc. (V for Ven-FETT-a, am I right?) WIN! 

The husband also warns against Sassy and Leia gaining a third female companion as then they become Chewy's Angels. 

UNVEILED Caption Contest!

Oh, dear ones, we're getting ever closer to the release of UNVEILED. Kickstarter backers have already received it. Some have even finished reading it, too, and started asking for Book 3 (bless you). And now, we're going to have some fun. You see this?

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It's one of my favorite shots of HiddleLoki reading in Thor 2. If you look carefully at the book in his hands, you'll see... *gasp* LOKI IS READING UNVEILED!!! (Fitting since he's in it, and all.) Anyway, my brother-in-law Zach shopped in the UNVEILED book cover, and I am made giddy thereby.

Your job? Caption it. Meme-ify it. Spread the word, make it funny and have some fun. You can use tons of free websites to do this, just Google "meme generator" to get a slew of them.

I did this one here:

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You've got one week to make them, leave links here or show me on Twitter/Facebook. Enter as many times as you like. Sometime after the 14th (but probably before the 20th...no I won't be more specific, I'm having surgery on the 13th) I will pick my top 3 and the winners will get their choice of a Loki poker chip, something written in Circular Gallifreyan, or a gallstone (supplies limited).

Bonus points if you meme-ify other pictures, or shop UNVEILED into the hands of other people. Uber bonus points for Cumberbatch or the 10th Doctor references.

You have your mission. Now go forth and wreak havoc.

And now if you'll excuse me. I have to destroy Jotunheim.

Roots

So sometimes I say silly shit. (I know, hard to believe.) Well, what's really fun is when I say something and someone runs with it. Doubly fun is when it's my dad. Yesterday I got 3 emails of mi padre riffing on a couple of titles I came up with. You've got to listen. Seriously, if you've ever wondered where I get my particular sense of humor, this should answer everything.

From the Dreidel to the Grave vrp-20140318-180831

50 Shades of Whey vrp-20140318-175840

...and here's my dad just being...well...dad. :) vrp-20140318-181712

 

Yeah. *beams* I heart my dad.

Thursday Night Facebook

tumblr_mbz2x0xFtE1ryaiojo1_400 Sometimes truth is sillier than any fiction I could come up with. Sometimes Facebook--for all its bullshit, drama, angst and such--provides an hour or two of endless amusement when reconnecting with someone. Last night, I got a little bit of this brand of joy.

But to tell you that story, I should tell you this story.

I moved to Phoenix in late 2004. I was in my early twenties, but not much for dating or the bar scene or anything. One night I was out with a friend for her bachelorette party... yeah, this is one of those stories... anyway, I was just out for a good time with the girls. No designs on anything else. Well, she had this "Bachelorette Party Scavenger Hunt" thingy full of silly things like "Rub a bald man's head" and such. Well, one of the things on the list was "get a guy to give you his underwear". I don't know how or why we figured it out, but the DJ at the Scottsdale bar--wtf? I never went to Scottsdale--went to high school with my buddy Jeff. The Bachelorette decided to exploit this and see if he would be the donor of his chonies. Strangely enough, he said he would. As he went to the bathroom to relieve himself of his boxers, I got a glimpse of him and let the Bachelorette know, "Holy shit! He's cute!"

"I dare you to kiss him," she said.

I wasn't one for picking up strangers or kissing random guys, but for some reason, I decided to completely go against my patterns and do it. He came out of the bathroom and tossed his Superman boxers at my friend. I walked up to him and without a word, I planted a kiss on him. When I backed up he said, "Wow!" And kissed me again. Then he went back to work being a DJ, and I just stood there stunned.

Seriously, I was bad at this whole thing. Later, I went up to him and used some cheesy line to get his number, gave him mine and didn't expect him to use it. I was never that forward. I never just gave a guy my number. This was really outside of my comfort zone. Surprisingly (to me), we talked on the phone a lot after that.  Cool guy. For a couple months we talked (flirted) constantly. We went out a time or two, but nothing ever came of it. He stopped calling or texting. I didn't chase him, figuring rejection happens and went on with life. Not long after Sean and I started dating and, well, the rest of that story is history.

I didn't hear from Superman again...and never got the chance to give his boxers back. *shrugs* Oh well.

Flash forward almost 10 years to last night....

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...So, I'm sick and surfing around Facebook for amusement and a friend of mine makes a silly post. I respond in kind and then see that the next comment in the thread is... Superman.

"Holy shit! I haven't seen you in years!" I said.

A few minutes later this happened in my private messages*:

Superman: I hate to sound like an ass. Me, Your Glorious Pajamazon: But? Him: I remember the name but don't know who you are. Me: Lol it's ok. We went out a couple of times right after I moved here like 10 years ago. Him: Again I apologize. Can you give details? Me: Met you at {bar name redacted} at my friend's bachelor's party. I didn't bother to say hi before I kissed you. We talked for a few months. Hung out a few times. You disappeared. *send/pause* Bachelorette party. Stupid auto correct. Probably still doesn't narrow it down lol Him: It really does. I didn't screw around.

I should point out that A) I appreciated that message because my inner 24 year old felt less weird about the whole him fading off thing and B) this part of the conversation started at about 8:30pm. With me? Let's continue.

Me: Ah k then. But yeah. If it helps zone in more, I am th e one who loved all things Dark Phoenix. Him: Did we talk on the other side of {bar name redacted}? The side with the dark industrial music side? Me: I don't remember. You gave my friend your boxers. I tried to get them back to you. Him: Okay now the lines are blurry. Lol (pause) Did we have the sex? Me: Lol no. You were a good kisser as I recall, but things fizzled before the scrumping. Him (Twenty minutes after first message): I swear something is going to trigger my memory. Me: We talked on the phone a lot. No worries though it was a while ago. Him: *sends me friend request. I accept. Pause in conversation.* No I apologize. You look familiar. (pause) Omg you bit tongue

*blink* At this point we've been talking for a half hour and I'm giggling that he's trying to rack his brains to remember some random woman from 10 years ago, but okay. (I've mentioned this to the husband at this point and he's gotten a kick out of it, too.) And then there's this tongue biting thing?

Me: ? I bit? Him: Did I flip out that you did that? Me: I don't remember doing that... not generally a move in my repertoire. Him: Lol this is funny Me: I'm giggling about it. If I bit you it was accidental**. Him: I think. , . I think I remember kissing and you nibbled my tongue and I was surprised

I would just like to point out--for the record--that seriously...at no time have I ever purposefully bitten someone's tongue. Not how I roll, nor was it how I rolled at 24.

Me: Trying to think...we watched MST3K and Bill Cosby standup... I lived in tempe. (This is weird. It's like writing a personal ad for my 24 yr old self). If that was me that did the tongue thing (which I don't recall) and that's why you went poof in a puff of silence, I'm sorry. Lol Him: Omg it's coming back to me now Me: Ha! Him: We made out on the couch right? Me: Yup. Him: I kissed your stomach. Me: This is hilarious. Him: Am I right? Me: Possibly. It's been a while, sweets. I can barely remember what I did last week. I'm surprised I remember this much. All the kissing and stuff aside, sorry you faded out. You were fun to talk to. Him: Did we make out in your room? Me: Yeah. Him: Ah ha I remember now.

At this point we've been chatting for 45 minutes. *snerk* Now, keep in mind, I still have no idea what happened 10 years ago that made him decide to go poof, and I don't recall this tongue biting incident. So in my head, he's probably just made some connection that set off red alarm klaxons and branded me as some crazy chick.

Me: *cue the "holy shit psycho lady run away!" Freakout* Him: You lived in that house with that guy. Your room was upstairs.

LOL Whomever actually bit his tongue is sounding less like me.

Me: Second floor apartment with a girl. Him: Small room. Me: Yup. Him: I'm remembering bits. Me: Mostly it was flirting on the phone. Him: Starting to come to me now. Lol Me: So...how are you?

And so, an hour later, he had a slight grasp of who I was 10 years ago. We chatted for a bit after that and called it a night. Seriously, though, this was hilarious. I do not expect someone to remember someone they went out with once or twice 10 years ago. My memory is crazy-long and some of the most random things are still up there in perfect detail while I truly cannot remember something I did less than a month ago. I appreciate, though, that Superman gave it a serious try at remembering me. Confirms what I thought then: he's a good guy.

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Anyway... this was definitely fun for a laugh. I posted to my Twitter last night that I thought this was hilarious, and someone who has known me for...holy shit, she's known me since my first blog back in 1999 or 2000. Anyway, she posted this gem:

 You don't much seem like that girl anymore. If I hadn't watched you grow, I certainly wouldn't recognize you. #love #pride

*beams* Thanks, doll. And yeah...Superman encountered me at a very odd time in my life when I was fresh in Phoenix and building a new life. (And when I did something completely out of my comfort zone by kissing a cute stranger at a club.) Physical changes aside, part of 24 year old Blue still exists in here, but I am sooooo not that girl. I'm better. More refined. More me.

Besides...I breathe fire. That bitch might have been skinnier, but she couldn't breathe fire. And was she a published author? Don't think so.

Anyway. I had to post this because it was just a slice of hilarity from real life. A little bit of laugh-magic brought to you by Facebook.

How about you? What's silly in your life right now? Who have you become in the past 10 years? Did you bite someone's tongue? ***

Also... GO BRONCOS!! (Peyton's my boy.) See? Magneto knows what's up. BfUXOhNIUAAdJq0

Have a good weekend, gang. <3

* - The entirety of this story was posted with his knowledge and consent proving he's still a good sport about a good many things. ** - I'm very sad that this pun went unremarked. *sigh* *** - I so did not bite his tongue. 

This House Is Really, Really Great.... An Update

So, as some of you know, last week I went to see a house with some friends that was quite...interesting. I posted a video blog about it, so watch it:

...so yeah. That happened. Well, I have an update on this house.

First of all, we found out that a good portion of the house was built as an addition...illegally. The permits were never completed, so the additions are a crapshoot. The wiring could be faulty. The construction shoddy. Hell, they may have just built on top of the 3 inch patio slab rather than a true foundation.

So there's that.

ovenAlso, the stove that had my buddy Brian drooling and touching himself inappropriately? Well, it apparently came from a strip joint that closed shop. Yes. You, too, can use the same burners that were used to cook poor quality, over-priced morsels that men ate while watching naked women gyrate against a greasy pole. That's why all your omelettes taste like tears and disappointment.

The more interesting news about this house came from a colleague of Ray Dawson (the realtor). While we all think this house was used... FOR PORN... the professional analysis is that it's actually a big ol' pile of mortgage fraud. They bought the house for it's original price, right? Then they took out a loan to do the "improvements" to the house. It *looks* good and they can sell the house for some exorbitant sum and walk with cash. What ended up happening, is that they pocketed the money of the loans for the improvements and walked, letting the house fall into foreclosure. Apparently, they've moved just down the street where they're doing the same thing. Possibly. Allegedly. This is conjecture. Mostly.

So yeah, for those curious why we didn't just buy the place for it's bargain price...this is why. The walls that look like marble are plaster and that's some cheap ass shit. And it was built without proper permits. So it would probably have to come down. Oh, and there's no fence outside and homeless people have been living in the oleander bushes out back. We're still not convinced that there isn't a hellmouth on site.